I've spent the last 4 days in hospital waiting rooms. I've seen a lot of emotion. I've felt a lot of emotion. It's a scary feeling waking up to an early morning phone call finding out someone you love was taken to the emergency room. Several EKGs, CTs, aneurysms and 15 minute visits later and we know she is doing better. It's a relief, but there were many hours spent in the ICU waiting room not knowing. There were several families in the waiting room. Each one anxiously waiting to send 2 members in for their 15 minute visits every 2-3 hours. The times in between excruciating, boring, filled with chit-chat that seemed too meaningless to be going on while we had loved ones alone and in pain on the other side of those doors. What else do you do? For us things got easier hearing positive news and having hope that things would be getting better. There was such a mix of emotions in the waiting room. Some families burdened with having to make huge life and death decisions, so families receiving news that their loved one is recovering from surgery faster than expected, some waiting anxiously during an 8 hour surgery and some just waiting to hear news. It was a flurry of emotions. Maybe it's because I was feeling so emotional myself, but I almost cried with some of the families.
I'm thinking maybe my emotions are getting away from me, but I can't help feeling like some things in my life are falling apart a little bit too. Things that I've valued for a long time seem to be slipping away and I don't know why or what I can do about it. I'm feeling replaced and lonely. I want to be direct without seeming overly needy or silly and I don't know how. I want to know if I'm reading something into situations when it's not there or if I've done something horribly offensive. Gah! I wish I had more confidence in my ability to be interesting enough for people to actually like me. I'm such a mess.
5 comments:
Wow--your emotions really *are* all over the place. How did you go from "I am worried about a loved one" to "I'm not sure I'm interesting enough to be liked"? I get the loved one part--I was there. As for interesting enough to be liked--I saw you in action at the hospital, thinking about ways to help the rest of the family cope, most efficient way to house out-of-towners, and on and on. You had some great ideas and you took care of all of us--how is that person unworthy of being liked?
You said you want to be direct without seeming overly needy or silly--so do it. Be direct, get your answer, and let it go. If you were offensive, you can apologize; if you read in something that wasn't there, you can move on.
I may be your mother, but I also know you are totally worth knowing. You know I love you.
What happened at the hospital? Is everything okay?!
Also, Based on this, I'm thinking we need to talk. I'll email you after the preschool rush this morning.
I like you lots! Always have. And as everyone knows, I have impeccable taste in friends. So you must be awesome.
:)
Hope your family member is doing better.
I hope everything is okay. I'll be praying for you and your family.
And you were interesting enough for me to keep reading your blog :) You go through with your kids the a lot of the same things I go through with my kids. It's good to know I'm not alone. And YOU are not alone, either!
I have just read about your family member, and to let you know that we the Redgate's will be thinking of you all. Also by the way your Mum talks about you, you are well loved. I hope to meet you next year!
Geraldine
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