Ryan is obsessed with death. I'm not sure what to do about it. At first it was just in play. He and his brother would be playing and he would take a toy and start beating the other toy saying, "Die, die, die!" I think he picked up from Zach, but it seemed like every time they played together this happened. I'm not a big fan of that kind of play, but I held my tongue because I'm on a parenting team. The other half of my parenting team thinks that is perfectly normal and maybe even healthy boy play. Since I was never a little boy I defer to his judgement on that.
I guess the play made him start thinking about death and dying. One night when I was putting him to bed he asked, "What's going to happen when you and Daddy die up to heaven?" I told him the truth including our plan for what would happen if that did happen while he was still young enough to need someone to take care of him. I told him I don't think that it will happen anytime soon. He wasn't quite satisfied. He wanted to know the back up plan for the back up plan. I told him he didn't need to worry because there would always be someone to take care of him. Then he told me, "I want to die up to heaven with you at the same time." I almost cried, but I didn't want him to keep thinking about it or to scare him, so I kept my composure. I told him he is very young and he doesn't need to worry about it. He got very indignant, "I am not young. I am old!" I told him I'm not even old yet and there are people who even think I am young. He was pretty amazed by that. He seemed to be in a good place, so I said goodnight and left the room a little worried about how I handled it, but not knowing how it would keep going.
Now whenever he really likes something he says he wants to die up to heaven with it. First it was me, then he got a new watch. "I want to die up to heaven(that's what he says every time in case you didn't get that) with you AND with my watch!" he said with an excited giggle. He giggles the cutest giggle when he is excited. We went to visit my mom and she gave him 8 cents in change. He clutched it to his chest and said, "I love my money. I want to doe up to heaven with it." At this point I'm getting a little worried on multiple levels. First he is talking about dying a LOT. Second he is way over valuing money. Third he thinks he gets to take stuff with him to heaven. I know he is three and doesn't really get the whole thing and that it is fine that he doesn't. I do want him to know that money is not the most important thing. I explained it to him the best I could that people, not money, are the most important things. He continues to talk about "dying up to heaven" and I've tried to explain that his body stays on earth and who he really is inside, his soul, goes up to heaven. I'm not sure he gets it, but I think he will at some point. I just hope I'm not scaring him.
This parenting gig is hard sometimes. There is so much second guessing and the thought that I am forming these little humans into who and what they will be is overwhelming sometimes. Every decision and interaction has big consequences that we might not be able to know at the time. It's a good thing I don't have time to be deep much or I might not want to get out of bed in the morning;-)
4 comments:
Just keep doing the best you can with what you know and he'll be fine. You were.
Oh, and would you be comfortable telling Ryan "Mommy isn't really comfortable with that game--let's play something else now." That puts it all on you, doesn't contradict anyone and doesn't say 'never play that game' yet might move him along to something creative but less scary.
Love you.
No answers for you... but I will be paying close attentiont to how you deal with it since you always pave the way with these new developmental things!
I think it is just natural curiosity.
It may be a boy thing too-- at least the way he plays. I remember my mom had a rule in our house that we (especially brothers) were not allowed to say "kill" or "die" when playing with action figures or stuff. I think it was harmless play, but she wanted to be sure we weren't being mean.
If he's really stressing about it, then talk it through and explain it in your own way. Sounds like you are doing a good job of explaining the difficult and sensitive concepts.
Isaac has started saying "I want to kill Jacob!", or Daddy or me, which would worry me if I didn't think he had gotten it from me saying occasionally, in an obviously joking way, how I want to kill his father for doing such horrific things as leaving dirty socks on the floor. Time to nip that awful mommy habit in the bud, I'm thinking.
I also am uncomfortable with the violent play. With regards to the "kill" situation, I have been telling him that he doesn't want to do that because it's the worst thing anybody could possibly do. Although that's probably even going a little too far, because I'm not sure he even knows what it means.
But I get you with your "death" burden. How can we ever know that what we're telling them is the right thing?
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