I am Ryan's MOMMY!

It's 4:15 in the morning. I am awake because the pain in my heart won't let me sleep. Ryan woke up at about 3:30 and I got up, picked him up, replaced his pacifier and put him back down to go back to sleep. This is not abnormal, but my thoughts keeping me up is. A train of thoughts led me to this one that I can't escape. No matter how hard I try I can't stop thinking about it. This is why I'm blogging at such an insane hour of the morning.
I am a little uneasy about this post, but I feel like I need to address this in a public way so I might not have to have this horrible pain inflicted on me again. This is profoundly personal and makes me very vulnerable. I don't like to be vulnerable like this, but I need to say this. You may not understand(especially if you don't know me personally), but bear with me on this. Even if you don't understand by the end of this PLEASE try to oblidge.
I feel like a little background is in order...
It all started when I married a man with a 3 year old son a little over two years ago. They lived together and so we would all come to live together. I was excited to be a part of this family. As the wedding day approached we talked to little Zach about what that meant for our relationship. When his birth mother came to pick him up for a visit that weekend he excitedly told her that he was going to have 2 mommies. His enthusiasm was dashed by his mother's response, "Most people only have one mommy." Those words are forever etched in my memory because they have shaped my life since then. After many bitter fights about this word, "mommy" and it's use in Zach's life we came to a compromise. And when I say compromise let me assure you NOBODY won. I would be called "MommyJen". This was not received well by his birth-mother, so in another compromise(on our part, she was still bitterly against the change) we waited until 3 months after we married to implement this change to "let her get used to the idea". The 3 months was not totally random. That is when my work obligation was finished and I could become a stay-at-home-mommyJen. This was confusing to many since Zach lived with me and I pretty much had him all the time it raised many questions from strangers. Especially since Zach seemed to think it was my name, not my title. When people would call me as Jen he would say, "Her name is not Jen it's MommyJen" even if they were speaking directly to me. Frankly it was uncomfortable for me to explain my personal life to complete strangers(I do realize the irony in this post, but my blog's main purpose is to keep my family and friends up to date). When I got pregnant I knew I could not bear to have my own child call me MommyJen even one time, so again we changed my title. Still a compromise, I would be "mom". I thought 'lots of older kids call their moms "mom" and the younger ones still understand that she is mommy'. After Ryan was born I realized a heart-breaking affect of this name. People refer to me as mom to my own son! Being that this was a compromise for my step-son to even call me this I was astonished. It had never occurred to me that it would be so ingrained in people's minds that I am "mom" that that's how they would refer to me to my baby. My husband is daddy, but I am mom. It just doesn't sound right, "daddy and mom". "Dad and mom", sure, "daddy and mommy", absolutely; but "daddy and mom" how can you not see the inequity in that?!
I've read about mother's hearts breaking the first time their little one calls them mom instead of mommy. Imagine the pain of that word being stolen from you before your child is even born! This issue has brought me to tears on more than one occasion. Probably the most painful part is the fact that my husband doesn't understand. He says "they are just words" and "you are his mom and his mommy". But they are not just words. Being a mommy is my whole life. Seeing as my own husband doesn't understand why I'm hurting so much I guess I can't expect that anyone else would, but please even if you don't understand why I have these feelings just understand that they are my feelings.
After some counsel from some wise Christian friends we have decided that the most important thing is that our family harmony and that Zach's birth-mother's feelings should not be a major factor in the decisions we make about our family. Since we thought it was a great idea for Zach to call me mommy from the beginning and her opinion on the way we run our family is not important anymore there is no longer a need for me to be "mom" to anyone. Zach of course has the choice to call me mom or mommy. Zach knows this, but we didn't really tell anyone else. So, yet again we will be changing(not so much changing, but removing the strict rules about) my title. So I ask you all to do this for me: Any time you would say "daddy" please use the word "mommy". It would mean a lot to me. Maybe they are just words to you, but the implied value means so much to me.